A while

Been a while since I have written… The remainder of this year has been strange for me.  Lots of personal and family health problems have been complicating my mind.  Often I think of the past.  Of the person I used to be, once was.  I miss her, yet I know I would never want to be her again.  She was different, unique, somewhat fearless, and gone.  I had my own style own way of doing things, thinking, living, and being.  For some reason that person disappeared when the group I hung around did.  So was I really her or was that just the me when I was around those particular people?  I guess who we are depends on who is around us.  No one wants to change because they are with another person, but it’s natural we do.  We get exposed to new things and that changes us.  I don’t think it is necessarily bad unless you change everything about yourself depending on your flavor of the month.  The thing I miss most about myself is writing and self expression.  I used to take a lot of time to think, write, listen to music, dream, and express myself though fashion.  I guess now I don’t make the time because my soul isn’t at odds with the world anymore.  However, I do want to make time to write more.  Writing is wonderful medicine for the soul.  Words have such everlasting power.  The main thing is see that has changed who I am and how I act is my weight and body image.  Sure in the past I wanted to lose a few pounds, but I wasn’t over weight and I was very confident in myself.  People can see when you are confident.  It makes a difference.  It’s really hard to try to lose weight.  For some people it seems easy, but for me it hasn’t been.  Even when I cut back on food and exercise more it seems to not really make a difference.  My biggest problem is eating right.  I try really hard, but somehow at the end of the day I regret eating a lot of things.  I’ve been trying to figure out if I am actually addicted to food or just have poor eating habits.  I’m not sure if it’s both or just the bad habits.  I have to do this though.   I have to figure out how to make the right changes, because this is my life.  If I don’t get control over it now it will consume me like it has consumed many people in my family.  I don’t have a problem with working out.  Most of the time I can find time to do it, and I enjoy it.  I look forward to becoming healthier so I will feel, look, and act better.  I think it will truly change my life and the way I live it. 

Tomorrow I am going with my Grandmother to get my hair done.  I’ve never been to this place, so I hope it works out well.  Not much is worse than getting a bad hair cut/color job.  I love to spend time with my Grandmother, but it is also very depressing and draining lately.  However, I know it helps lift her spirits when someone comes to visit and I love her very much.  It is important to be selfless.  I hope karma does exist, because I hope one day to grow old and eventually everyone gets where they need a little extra help and I hope I will have someone willing to help me.  I mean I just hope someone will love me as much as I love my grandmother.  I hope to be the kind of person a grandchild could look up to and love.  Family is important.  I really worry that my family will fall apart when my grandparents die, but I will try my best to keep the family together. 

I also love my Mother.  She has taught me a great lesson by being very kind and compassionate whenever I have made mistakes.  Especially the dumb ones.  She does a great job of letting you know what you did wrong, but not embarrassing you and making you feel stupid.  No one likes to feel stupid.  To make someone feel stupid is to belittle them.  Everyone makes mistakes big ones, dumb ones, little ones, important ones, but it is what makes us human.  Being human is a wonderful adventure.  I don’t understand why we don’t help each other along the way more.  We are always criticizing and putting down others.  We are always trying to be better than one another instead of trying to build everyone up.  I have always wanted to say to a large crowd imagine what the world would be like if we all woke up every morning determined to make the world a better place.  If even just with one small act of kindness like opening a door, saying thank you, sending a thoughtful card, or calling up an old friend.  I think sometimes the smallest things make the biggest difference.  It’s those things you know people are just naturally doing out of the goodness of their hearts.  Something as simple as a waitress saying she likes your earrings or a older man saying thank you young lade for opening the door.  Those things matter a lot and they are very simple to do. 

As always I am very hopefully for the future.  I promise to never give up and to always try my best.