It is so easy to get into a rut.  Especially after you were doing so well.  It is so easy to be hard on ourselves- to break ourselves down for every little thing.  My favorite quote is be the change you wish to see in the world- Ghandi.  I have a ring with the quotation inscribed in it.  I need to start wearing it every day again, because I feel I am forgetting it’s meaning.  We are not the change we wish to see because we are scared.  Fear prevents all truth and beauty from being.  We fear change even though we crave it.  I have so many hopes , dreams, and aspirations, but I am too scared to try sometimes.  I try very hard to never give up and to always try.  However, it feels like a constant struggle and I fear it may always be this way.  However, it is the journey we need to appreciate. 

Back to the quote- even though it is my favorite quote what is this change I wish to see.  I wish for all people to have courage and acceptance.  The courage to accept themselves and others.  The courage to stand up for what is right, to stand up for themselves.  The be kind to themselves as well as to others.  It is so easy to give advice to others or to be kind to them, but we do not provide this same comfort to ourselves.  If we do not love ourselves how can we expect other to.  We have to

I have been feeling so discouraged in myself.  I do one thing wrong and I feel like I have failed.  I need to focus on what I have done right.  I also need to encourage myself that I can do better tomorrow.  I feel so insecure.  I always feel second best.  I always envy others.  Even though I know I am lucky and worthy.  It is a constant struggle in my mind.  I supposed it is because of my past and the way others treated me.  The important thing is that I always try to build myself back up. Always keep the faith.  You are always strong enough if you believe you are.  Belief is the most powerful tool we hold.  No one can alter your beliefs, but you. 

Post-Op

I had surgery over a week ago and it has left me feeling unlike myself.  I didn't realize it was going to take so long to recover from this.  I feel weak and tired, but I want to get out and enjoy life.  Our bodies certainly limit us and confine us.  We don't realize what the gift of health is to be able to go and do as we please.  I hope I feel more normal soon.  I am worried about how this is going to affect my school and personal life if I don't start to improve soon.  I hate doctors they are never upfront and honest with you.  He never told me how bad this was going to be.  Luckily, I did not have cancer though.  I feel like I have had more health problems then most people do my age.  It makes me worry about the future and my health.  I feel like my body is already unhealthy and aged beyond my years.  I hope in this year I can work out and be at a healthy weight.  I feel sad.  I feel like I've already lived my young, fun, and free years.  I did enjoy them I just didn't think they would be over so soon.  I'm not sure what I want or what I need to do.  I just look at picture of myself and I was so beautiful and unique.  I don't hang out with as many people anymore so I don't get those feelings I used to of attention from others.  I miss that.  I miss feeling unique.  I miss feeling so confident in myself.  I feel like if I get back to the same weight I will feel more confident, but I know it is more than that.  However, now I don't have to impress the people I am with.  I can just be myself and I don't have to worry about what they think of me.  I think I've turned into a boring person.  I just need to take it one day at a time.  I have to just be patient and wait until I am all recovered from surgery.  Then I can start to focus on my health and body.  I think if I get that settled then I'll feel better mentally.  This is going to be an exciting year for me, because I will graduate college and go on to graduate school.  Growing up is exciting, but it is also stressful and difficult.  I just want to be a happy and positive influence on the world, but I also want to be loved and have fun.  I want to go out and experience the world, but right now I need to get better and focus on school.  I worry about my relationships.  I worry about if I am going in the right direction.  I worry about being happy in the future.  I worry a lot... I feel like other people's lives look prettier and happier.  Their pictures and stories seem more intersting.  They look complete and happy.  My body never had a chance to be like them.  It started falling apart earlier on... I just want to be on the beach and feel confident, but that will never happen because of genetics.  Genetics really suck.  They can really hold you back even if you do everything environmentally that you are "supposed" to.  However, I need to fight my genetics as much as I can, but it is hard.  I don't feel good so I don't want to eat perfectly.  I am going to try though.  I just need some more time to heal.

Time

Time never feels like you thought it would.  Those important parts of a person's life like being a college senior, getting married, or buying a house you never feel like you thought you would.  You are never as far along in your life as you had hoped and you still most likely never feel like a grown up.  However, you have to appreciate where you are regardless of where you thought you would be.  Expectations keep us from being happy and appreciating our potential.  Maybe it is a good thing you aren't as far along as you wanted to be.  Perhaps you had some fun along the way instead of being so serious and dedicated 24/7.  Life is more than the accomplishment you place on your resume.  Life is about the mark you leave on the world by the way you touch the lives of the people around you.  Never forget your first loves, and I am not talking about your first boyfriend or girlfriend even though you should never forget them as well.  I am talking about the things you fell in love with doing, seeing, or being.  I feel like as we age we no longer feel the need to be creative and unqiue anymore.  It's like you found out who you are so you just stop exploring and enjoying certain things that used to partly define you.  Never turn your back on something that helps you discover yourself, self reflect, or relax you.  We are too stressed as a culture.  Everyone needs that one or two or three or how many ever things that keep them happy and sane.  Writing is one thing I have been struggling to keep to myself.  I used to write all the time.  Every little thought I had I would write it.  I am trying to get back into it because I miss and I feel like I've lost part of myself.  Just like tonight I took a whim to write and look at all the thoughts I had that I had no clue where circling in my head.  Writing is a very powerful tool for that very reason.  It makes things so much clearer to just put them out there rather than trying to figure it would inside your head.  Another passion of mine I have mostly given up on is singing.  I am so painfully shy to sing in front of people even though I have done it.  I would really like to try to see if I can at least make some youtube videos of myself singing.  If I never do anything I will always wonder what would people have thought.  That's another thing trying is one of the most important things to do, because you will never know what could have been.  The what could have been will haunt you for the rest of your life.  I have seen several people ruin their lives over one important event or situation where they did not try to see what would happen.  Being scared is for people who are immortal.  When you have limited time you have to use it every day, but it is hard.  It is sooo much easier to just sit back and take the easy road, but I promise when everyone reaches the end of their road they regret not taking the senic route...

New PLAN

Tomorrow is the offical day I start my new plan to a healthier and happier me.  I am going to partially do that by writing everyday so I am forced to think about my actions, thoughts, and progress.  Today I ate healthy and I worked out for almost an hour.  I felt more comfortable and confident in public.  I had a shift in thinking aobut my life.  I have decided to be more confident and accepting of others.  I don't need to just assume someone is a certain way because they look like it or assume they think I'm not good enough.  I also need to stop being scared and get out and do some volunteer work.  I hope this new plan works well!

New found Happiness

Happiness is a decision.  Some people lose sight of the power they have over their lives.  Enjoy everything you do.  No matter what it is.  Enjoy being alive and breathing, because one day you won’t be.  One day you will miss those old formally boring and horrible days. 

If you have someone around your house you are waiting for a special occasion to use-don’t.  Burn that special candle or put out that beautiful new picture.  Don’t wait to enjoy life for a special occasion enjoy if every day, every hour, every minute, every second. 

Everyone has something different about them it may be viewed as positive, neutral, or negative.  Regardless of what it is, it makes you-you.  Celebrate it, use it to benefit you.  Don’t waste time over analyzing yourself or comparing yourself to other, because we are all different.  We are all supposed to be different!  We need to stop trying to all fit it and just stand out like we are naturally meant to. 

Don’t let the bad parts of your past continually upset you and bring you down.  Rise above the negative and turn it into a passion to create something positive.

You never need to be afraid to love or to open yourself up to someone.  This is true if you unconditionally love yourself.  If you love, value, and respect yourself no matter what anyone does to you you will be fine. 

Don’t spend your time thinking about how foolishly other people think.  Don’t try to understand how other people can come to such different conclusions as you.  Everyone has a different path so stay on your own pathway.  What is important is how you think about your life and life in general. 

Dream and dream as big as you want.  Our dreams are what defines us, inspires us, drives us. 

A while

Been a while since I have written… The remainder of this year has been strange for me.  Lots of personal and family health problems have been complicating my mind.  Often I think of the past.  Of the person I used to be, once was.  I miss her, yet I know I would never want to be her again.  She was different, unique, somewhat fearless, and gone.  I had my own style own way of doing things, thinking, living, and being.  For some reason that person disappeared when the group I hung around did.  So was I really her or was that just the me when I was around those particular people?  I guess who we are depends on who is around us.  No one wants to change because they are with another person, but it’s natural we do.  We get exposed to new things and that changes us.  I don’t think it is necessarily bad unless you change everything about yourself depending on your flavor of the month.  The thing I miss most about myself is writing and self expression.  I used to take a lot of time to think, write, listen to music, dream, and express myself though fashion.  I guess now I don’t make the time because my soul isn’t at odds with the world anymore.  However, I do want to make time to write more.  Writing is wonderful medicine for the soul.  Words have such everlasting power.  The main thing is see that has changed who I am and how I act is my weight and body image.  Sure in the past I wanted to lose a few pounds, but I wasn’t over weight and I was very confident in myself.  People can see when you are confident.  It makes a difference.  It’s really hard to try to lose weight.  For some people it seems easy, but for me it hasn’t been.  Even when I cut back on food and exercise more it seems to not really make a difference.  My biggest problem is eating right.  I try really hard, but somehow at the end of the day I regret eating a lot of things.  I’ve been trying to figure out if I am actually addicted to food or just have poor eating habits.  I’m not sure if it’s both or just the bad habits.  I have to do this though.   I have to figure out how to make the right changes, because this is my life.  If I don’t get control over it now it will consume me like it has consumed many people in my family.  I don’t have a problem with working out.  Most of the time I can find time to do it, and I enjoy it.  I look forward to becoming healthier so I will feel, look, and act better.  I think it will truly change my life and the way I live it. 

Tomorrow I am going with my Grandmother to get my hair done.  I’ve never been to this place, so I hope it works out well.  Not much is worse than getting a bad hair cut/color job.  I love to spend time with my Grandmother, but it is also very depressing and draining lately.  However, I know it helps lift her spirits when someone comes to visit and I love her very much.  It is important to be selfless.  I hope karma does exist, because I hope one day to grow old and eventually everyone gets where they need a little extra help and I hope I will have someone willing to help me.  I mean I just hope someone will love me as much as I love my grandmother.  I hope to be the kind of person a grandchild could look up to and love.  Family is important.  I really worry that my family will fall apart when my grandparents die, but I will try my best to keep the family together. 

I also love my Mother.  She has taught me a great lesson by being very kind and compassionate whenever I have made mistakes.  Especially the dumb ones.  She does a great job of letting you know what you did wrong, but not embarrassing you and making you feel stupid.  No one likes to feel stupid.  To make someone feel stupid is to belittle them.  Everyone makes mistakes big ones, dumb ones, little ones, important ones, but it is what makes us human.  Being human is a wonderful adventure.  I don’t understand why we don’t help each other along the way more.  We are always criticizing and putting down others.  We are always trying to be better than one another instead of trying to build everyone up.  I have always wanted to say to a large crowd imagine what the world would be like if we all woke up every morning determined to make the world a better place.  If even just with one small act of kindness like opening a door, saying thank you, sending a thoughtful card, or calling up an old friend.  I think sometimes the smallest things make the biggest difference.  It’s those things you know people are just naturally doing out of the goodness of their hearts.  Something as simple as a waitress saying she likes your earrings or a older man saying thank you young lade for opening the door.  Those things matter a lot and they are very simple to do. 

As always I am very hopefully for the future.  I promise to never give up and to always try my best. 

A time to reinvent myself and my life.

Tomorrow I’m going to spend some time with my family. It will be nice to just relax and reflect on my life- all my ups and downs. Accomplishments, failures, good times, bad times, and they have all led me to this one moment in time. This ever occurring moment that always has so much promise, so much inspiration, so much desire, but I always end up in. Always wanting to become that perfect version I have in my mind. Truth is I will probably never get to be that girl, but if I try I’ll get closer to her and most likely become someone better. I want to be confident and friendly. I want to make new friends and feel like I’m proud of myself in every way. No I may not be as thin as I wanted to be, but I’m trying to get to a healthier place. I have to be real honest with myself I have to do this right here and right now or it is never going to happen. When I look back at when I was a young child I admire her for being confident and not afraid to do anything. She still lives inside of me and I think it is time for her to come out. I’m going to do things I’m scared to do, but I’m going to fake it. I’m going to pretend like I know what I’m doing and figure it out on the way. I’m going to reach out to people so I don’t have to spend my whole semester bored in class. I’m going to love myself and not let anything get between me and my dreams. I’m going to find time to fit in everything I want to do. No, every day I may not fit every little thing in, but I’m going to get majority of it in there. I know there will be days I’m going to be tired, discourage, and won’t feel 100%, but that’s a part of life. The most important thing in life is how you react to things that happen to you, not what happens to you. Everyday I’m going to live life.