It is so easy to get into a rut.  Especially after you were doing so well.  It is so easy to be hard on ourselves- to break ourselves down for every little thing.  My favorite quote is be the change you wish to see in the world- Ghandi.  I have a ring with the quotation inscribed in it.  I need to start wearing it every day again, because I feel I am forgetting it’s meaning.  We are not the change we wish to see because we are scared.  Fear prevents all truth and beauty from being.  We fear change even though we crave it.  I have so many hopes , dreams, and aspirations, but I am too scared to try sometimes.  I try very hard to never give up and to always try.  However, it feels like a constant struggle and I fear it may always be this way.  However, it is the journey we need to appreciate. 

Back to the quote- even though it is my favorite quote what is this change I wish to see.  I wish for all people to have courage and acceptance.  The courage to accept themselves and others.  The courage to stand up for what is right, to stand up for themselves.  The be kind to themselves as well as to others.  It is so easy to give advice to others or to be kind to them, but we do not provide this same comfort to ourselves.  If we do not love ourselves how can we expect other to.  We have to

I have been feeling so discouraged in myself.  I do one thing wrong and I feel like I have failed.  I need to focus on what I have done right.  I also need to encourage myself that I can do better tomorrow.  I feel so insecure.  I always feel second best.  I always envy others.  Even though I know I am lucky and worthy.  It is a constant struggle in my mind.  I supposed it is because of my past and the way others treated me.  The important thing is that I always try to build myself back up. Always keep the faith.  You are always strong enough if you believe you are.  Belief is the most powerful tool we hold.  No one can alter your beliefs, but you. 

Post-Op

I had surgery over a week ago and it has left me feeling unlike myself.  I didn't realize it was going to take so long to recover from this.  I feel weak and tired, but I want to get out and enjoy life.  Our bodies certainly limit us and confine us.  We don't realize what the gift of health is to be able to go and do as we please.  I hope I feel more normal soon.  I am worried about how this is going to affect my school and personal life if I don't start to improve soon.  I hate doctors they are never upfront and honest with you.  He never told me how bad this was going to be.  Luckily, I did not have cancer though.  I feel like I have had more health problems then most people do my age.  It makes me worry about the future and my health.  I feel like my body is already unhealthy and aged beyond my years.  I hope in this year I can work out and be at a healthy weight.  I feel sad.  I feel like I've already lived my young, fun, and free years.  I did enjoy them I just didn't think they would be over so soon.  I'm not sure what I want or what I need to do.  I just look at picture of myself and I was so beautiful and unique.  I don't hang out with as many people anymore so I don't get those feelings I used to of attention from others.  I miss that.  I miss feeling unique.  I miss feeling so confident in myself.  I feel like if I get back to the same weight I will feel more confident, but I know it is more than that.  However, now I don't have to impress the people I am with.  I can just be myself and I don't have to worry about what they think of me.  I think I've turned into a boring person.  I just need to take it one day at a time.  I have to just be patient and wait until I am all recovered from surgery.  Then I can start to focus on my health and body.  I think if I get that settled then I'll feel better mentally.  This is going to be an exciting year for me, because I will graduate college and go on to graduate school.  Growing up is exciting, but it is also stressful and difficult.  I just want to be a happy and positive influence on the world, but I also want to be loved and have fun.  I want to go out and experience the world, but right now I need to get better and focus on school.  I worry about my relationships.  I worry about if I am going in the right direction.  I worry about being happy in the future.  I worry a lot... I feel like other people's lives look prettier and happier.  Their pictures and stories seem more intersting.  They look complete and happy.  My body never had a chance to be like them.  It started falling apart earlier on... I just want to be on the beach and feel confident, but that will never happen because of genetics.  Genetics really suck.  They can really hold you back even if you do everything environmentally that you are "supposed" to.  However, I need to fight my genetics as much as I can, but it is hard.  I don't feel good so I don't want to eat perfectly.  I am going to try though.  I just need some more time to heal.